OPINION: What DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES Could Be Doing (So It Doesn't Feel Like Work To Watch)

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES eighth and final season continued this week. For a show that has so much talent on every level they seem hell bent on serving up just as much drivel as they do quality television. In case they don't realize it over there, the two don't go hand in hand. The set up for this season is a fantastic way to wrap things up and tie it back to the beginning of the show and Mary Alice. There is no reason for filler, but that has been a problem with this show since the second season. What am I referring to specifically? Their tendency to want to turn their main characters(I'm looking at you Susan Delfino) into buffoons.

Last week I had a few thoughts about different stories that could be spun off of this murder cover up (none of them involved Susan psychotically crying over a hamster like she did last week). The one that I thought had the most potential was the idea of Susan and Carlos bonding over their inability to move past the guilt of what they did in the same way that Gaby, Lynette, and Bree seemed to have been able to. I'm not saying I want to see Carlos and Susan doing it at seedy motels, but how would Gaby feel if Carlos turned to Susan for the emotional support that Gaby seems incapable of giving to him? I loathe the manner in which we got there, but I seemed to be reading the producers minds because the beginnings of a Susan/Carlos bond  is exactly what happened. First we were forced to endure Susan running all over town trying to be punished for petty crimes(none of which was successful) and Gaby hiring a stripper because Carlos was having "trouble in the bedroom". This all culminated in Susan getting arrested after kicking over a cop's motorcycle because he refused to giver her a ticket and Carlos exploding at Gaby that sex would not solve their problems because of the guilt that was eating away at him. Cue, Susan calling Carlos to pick her up from jail. It made sense that no one else would understand(especially Mike who has NO IDEA what is going on). And finally, two people were able to have a conversation about their guilt without being made to feel like they were crying over spilled milk. Do I want to see this turn into a full blown affair? I'm not against it, but I don't know if that is the best route to take these characters in the last season.

Bree's leg of the story at least moved briskly and hit beats that all made sense. After receiving the exact same not that Mary Alice did, Bree didn't know what to do but go to Paul Young to ask him about it. Initially I thought she should have told the other women but upon further reflection I realized she was probably right to wait. She has Susan running around town like a maniac, Lynette in the throes of a divorce, and Gaby hiring strippers to spice up her sex life. On the other hand, going to Paul Young seems like a disaster waiting to happen. Bree insists that she isn't hiding anything when she shows Paul the note. Then why did you get the note Bree? Your explanations are horrible and before you go to someone who you have zero reason to trust with your deepest secret you should probably come up with at least ONE plausible excuse. I expect more from you Bree! After Paul insists that he knows nothing about the note, Bree confides in Gaby. Given the options, she was the best choice but she has zero compassion for what she is putting these women through. Gaby decides that Bree has to break up with Chuck. Of course she is right, but you could have at least dipped the tip of your acid tongue in sugar. Bree being the only sensible one(usually) agrees and goes to break up with Chuck...but before she can she gets a call from Paul who remembers someone who saw the note: Chuck Vance. He mentioned it to him years ago during a police investigation.  That was the perfect way to force Bree to stay with Chuck and keep the threat of the discovery of this crime very alive in these women's minds. That's the way that you should be telling a story DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

Then we have poor poor Vanessa Williams. I think that she needs to go all Wilhelmina Slater (her beloved UGLY BETTY character) on the writers of this show and tell them to write her something that doesn't make her look like a pathetic sex starved man chaser.  Renee and Ben aren't  integrated with the other cast members right now. I'm hopeful that they have plans to rope them into everyone else's story because if not I see no point in having them around. What is Renee up to this week? She is just pretending to love senior citizens because Ben, the guy that she doesn't really know at all and has shown nothing but disinterest in her, apparently is a fan of donating his time to help them. Is she really this desperate for a date? Apparently because when he asks her "out" she jumps at the chance. She thinks it's date and obviously he was taking her somewhere to feed the elderly. If you've watched television for three minutes of your life, you could have seen that coming from China. Renee catches onto his game, and storms out only to lead to an actual nice moment between the two. Renee expressed why charity made her uncomfortable: she was the recipient of so much of it as a child.  Makes sense. Lucky for them, Ben had a similar experience and they bond over it. Here is my question to the show runners: if you really wanted to give Renee a story why didn't you re-visit that all too brief dangling plot line of Renee's unresolved feelings for Tom. Now that Lynette and Tom are getting divorced, it would be the perfect time for her to be a shoulder for him to cry on. NOT because she is being malicious, but because A.) Tom is probably lost without Lynette no matter what he says and B.) they are two characters who aren't in on the big secret. Having them both be on the outside of it bonds them in a way they don't even know. It would play to the past while informing current story lines. Plus, we wouldn't have to watch Tom and Lynette have the same arguments that they've had every week for the past 8 years(and that sums up what was happening with Tom and Lynette this week BTW). But that would be interesting and play on the shows history and they don't seem to want to give Renee anything of substance to do so why bother doing something interesting.

Oh...and I think that Ben is in the mob and trying to rope Mike into working for him. Ben is a "real estate developer" which I know is a real job but anyone who is a real estate developer on television is doing something they shouldn't be. Mike fixed some plumbing problems for Ben and he offered Mike a job because "he needs local guys that he can trust." It wasn't so much what he said as how he said it. If you weren't doing something illegal, why would you make a point of saying that. The wording is key here. Mike having spent most of the past eight season in cahoots with or around criminals has apparently gone blind because he can't see the sleaze oozing of off Ben. Later, Ben tells Mike that he can't work on the job due to the fact that he can't bond him because of his criminal record. There's a silver lining though. Ben thinks what Mike did was noble and while he can't bond him he can definitely use him for a job. Walk, do not run away from this Mike. You're smarter then that.

Another episode of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES is done and another hour spent thinking about how good the show COULD BE. There was some great stuff in there, but I have to trudge through so much sludge to get to that good stuff that it is starting to feel like work. Eight seasons is a long time for a show to be on the air, and this is a show that could still be fresh and good but they insist on falling back on these stupid cartoonish actions for the characters. I'm going to be here for the entirety of the run of this final season, I just hope I don't go insane watching it.

Brian Hewson contributes primetime reviews for We Love Soaps. Along with Greg Turner, Brian is the creator, writer, and producer of the web soap, EMPIRE, which can be found at www.empiretheseries.com. Brian loves soaps.